Engaged but having doubts! HELP! - Talk About Marriage

General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

Yesterday, 07:35 AM	? #1 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Apr 2012 Posts: 4	So, I have been in a relationship with this woman for 4 ? years, engaged for ? year, but still have serious doubts about whether she is the one. I had a horribly mentally tormenting time, trying to decide whether to propose to her or not, and once I did I was relieved and happy with the decision. Now the doubts are starting to creep back in and I feel too embarrassed to talk to anybody close with me about it. I find myself resentful of all the things she?s done to me in the past, despite myself forgiving her and doing my best to move on. I look at those things, as times when I should have ended the relationship but instead I pushed on. She is a very attractive woman but our sex-life is non-existent and has been for a year. I know it won?t be any better once we are married, but I don?t know how to tell her that. I often find myself desiring other woman and looking for ways to get attention from other woman when I am away from my fianc?e. I have never cheated on her but the lack of passion in our relationship is killer. I still feel like I love her, and she is usually great to me (of course we have fights, and I get upset when she nags me, but that is normal in any relationship, right!). This is why we have stayed the course for 4 ? years. I really do look forward to our future together and there are legitimate things in our future that make me happy and I get excited about, but also things that cause concern. We had a break-up for a month about a year ago and it was devastating to me. I had been having doubts about our relationship then and I told her, so she broke up with me. As soon as I felt I could find my footing, she came begging for me back. I could not resist and took her back. I would feel like a failure to break off the engagement and crush her dreams, I just don?t know how I could live with myself. We have been through so much together and have had so many happy times together and been through so many trials together. But, I have so much doubt about our relationship. Is this normal before marriage? Help! What should I do?!
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Yesterday, 08:28 AM	? #4 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Apr 2012 Posts: 4	I resent the fact that I had to cut some of my best friends out of my life, that I had to give her all my passwords, that when we were separated she threatened calling my family to tell them all the ways I had wronged her, threatened to get me in trouble with the police. I resent the fact, that I had to delete all pics I had with a deceased close female friend, that she never supports me in my hobbies, that she wants me to quit my job at the pinnacle of my professional career to change cities, that she doesn't support my religion, that she wants to have control of the money, that she wants me to work extra hours to give her nicer things, that she is so material, when I really am not a material person. I even resent the fact that she wants to have sex with me when I have asked her repeatedly and said I want to wait until marriage. I almost use this as an excuse because I have no sexual desire for her. I just want to have that desire to have sex with her, and that clearly is not there. This is very bothersome to me. I know this seems harsh but over 4 1/2 years I have come to resent a lot and I still asked her to marry me. Most of this stuff happened early in our relationship, years ago, and i didn't know how to react since it was my first serious relationship. I do believe she is a changed person, and she has come a long way in proving that to me, but it is a lot to erase my fears and doubts.
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Yesterday, 09:28 AM	? #9 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: Just keepin' my side of the street clean Posts: 560	Quote: I resent the fact that I had to cut some of my best friends out of my life, that I had to give her all my passwords, that when we were separated she threatened calling my family to tell them all the ways I had wronged her, threatened to get me in trouble with the police. I resent the fact, that I had to delete all pics I had with a deceased close female friend, that she never supports me in my hobbies, that she wants me to quit my job at the pinnacle of my professional career to change cities, that she doesn't support my religion, that she wants to have control of the money, that she wants me to work extra hours to give her nicer things, that she is so material, when I really am not a material person. All I can say is, WOW. Go ahead an marry her so you don't "crush her dreams." Your post appears to indicate just what some of her "dreams" may be. I guarantee you this: you marry this woman, and you'll be back here posting within a year about how miserable and trapped you feel. With the resentment you hold towards your fiance, and the demands she is making of you (which you find unreasonable), I'd say you have a recipe for disaster right now. __________________ I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option. "When the power of love rises above the love of power, then the world will know peace." Jimi Hendrix
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Yesterday, 10:25 AM	? #11 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Apr 2012 Posts: 4	Because I have no idea what I am doing, and have not had any real productive conversations with any body about it! And this is what scares me. Marriage is a risk, right? But I will say this... There are so many things that I love about her. I love the way she answers the door to greet me, I love making her laugh, I love the way she makes me laugh, I love her sense of humor, I love her playful side, I love spending time with her (most of the time), I love cuddling and holding her, I love taking her new places and love introducing her to people and the list goes on. I know that is really, really, really sucks that the sex isn't really there, but from what I can gather, that is kind of normal after 4 1/2 years in a relationship. I mean it was great the first 2 years, and then we had to kind of learn to love each other, without the passion. I mean I have a huge desire for passion, and so does she, but realistically I guess it always burns out (is that right?). This is why it is so incredibly hard for me to walk away, despite some of the gut feelings that I get and doubts that I have. I appreciate the feedback by the way, keep it coming and thank you!
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